Attack of the Clichés
by NikkoleNikki
Summary: Are you tired of seeing the same exact plotline in many different stories? Well, if you are, you have come to the right place. This story mocks the ideas that fans think that it's fun to re-use which is so predictable. Contains: Sues, time-travel, ect...
1. TheGirlWhoLivedToBeASue

**A/N Well, welcome to the disaster called clichés, this first chapter covers Mary Sues as the feminine Harry Potter "Harriet" goes to Hogwarts.**

**Warnings: Possible Yaoi (slash), insulting Mary Sues, minor swearing, and _My Immortal _references and jokes. Also, a lot of A Very Potter Musical and Sequel references. If you have anything against the above, I advice you not to read. **

"Seamus, Where are you?" Dean Thomas shouted down an abandoned corridor. His best gay friend was missing, and Dean had not seen him since Harriet arrived. He had searched hours and hours for the Gryffindor teenager but had no luck.

About a day of no sign of Seamus, Dean eventually reported this to Dumbledore. He told the headmaster how Seamus did not show up to classes or to the dormitory.

"SEAMUS!" Dean shouted into nothingness as he wept.

**INTRO HARRIET POTTER!**

Harriet Potter was really happy because the love of her life, Draco Malfoy, asked her on a romantic dinner at Aeropostle because she bought all her clothes and food from there. She ran her hands through her beautiful, blonde hair even though she could not possibly have this hair color for her neither of her parents did.

Harriet ran into her deluxe dorm room with the finest furniture, a king sized bed, and a walk in closet- full of clothes from Aeropostle and Hollister- which were only available in the muggle world, of course. The author never realized this tiny error because she loved those stores so dearly, and Harriet had to wear attractive clothes so the boys would love her. She was given the room by Dumbledore because he loved her.

Not in that sort of way you sick perverts. Dumbledore only loved her as a sister that was a lot younger then him.

As well as the fact that she is the Girl-who-lived-to-have-dashes-in-her-name. Also, she had such a tragic life. Her favorite Uncle, Uncle Peter Pettigrew, sacrificed himself for the life of Harriet. Most importantly, she received the room because she was too perfect and beautiful to be living with the slimy inferior other girls like that bitch _Hermione Granger _and her whore best friend _Lavender Brown_. She hated Hermione the most because she was a cannon female character, and the fact the author is completely jealous.

Her beautiful sparkling pink eyes glanced over to the clock, and she realized she was…

LATE.

Pink eye is _not _an illness. She has pink eyes because they are beautiful and everyone wants pink eye. SO STOP TELLING ME THAT SHE IS SICK! Oh, and the three dots help make this story super dramatic.

Harriet obviously does _not _wear glasses because glasses were for nerds. Harriet hated nerds (and girls!).

**THIS IS A LINE BREAK TIME SKIP HEAR ME RUMBLEROAR!**

Draco Malfoy was super-duper happy cheery today. He was "super-duper happy cheery" because they, as in Harriet and him, ate at his favorite restaurant…

AERPOSTLE!

They were having a fantastic time eating shirts, drinking pants, and making fun of those stupid _Cannon Females. _He hated cannon female characters for they were created by the wonderful J. K. Rowling herself and were actual characters.

"So, Harriet, want to go to my favorite place besides Aeropostle?" Draco asked with an incredibly sexy voice.

Harriet squealed in the most fan-girlish, Mary Sue way possible. "I would love to go to your house."

"My house? No, Bitch, I meant to Hollister!" Draco exclaimed.

"Oh My God! Yes, Yes, I would love to!" Harriet gave Draco as big hug with her super strength because she was so strong and perfect. Not a bear hug, okay? She is not a bear.

Draco's pretty pink limo arrived, and pictures rainbows and sticks of ponies were splattered all over the "nice" car. The license plate said "777" not to be confused with the evil goffick number "666". It also was the plate number because "777" was a perfect number, almost as perfect as Harriet.

They both hopped in to Draco's fancy, pink, pony, rainbow car, that was some how in the mall. The limo driver, a pink pony that smiles and talked, drove the limo down to Hollister which was four stores away from Aeropostle.

**ANOTHER LINE BREAK TIME SKIP FULL OF CHEESE!**

They walked into Hollister, and Harriet's favorite song, _Til the World Ends_ by Brittany Spears (she adored Brittany), was playing.

"Oh My God! Oh My God!" Harriet exclaimed, "Draco use your sexy feminine singing voice that we had no clue you had until now. I will use mine because I am good at everything of course. We can sound exactly like the song, and random people will show up and love us!" Harriet was basically jumping op in down.

**RANDOM LYRICS IS INSERTED RIGHT HERE!**

The manager of the Hollister store walked up to the duo as they were singing the song with a very angry look on her face. She was in a very good day, today, until she heard something that sounded like a dying cat and a dog stuck in a trap.

"Excuse me, Sir, Ma'am" She tried to get their attention with a very polite voice.

"WOAH-OH-OH-OH-OH" They sang.

"Ma'am, Sir?" She asked.

"KEEP ON DANCING TIL THE WORLD ENDS!"

"Ma'am, Sir!"

"IF YOU FEEL IT, LET IT HAPPEN"

"Ma'am... Sir…"

"KEEP ON DANCING TIL THE WORLD ENDS"

"MA'AM! SIR!" The manager literally screamed in their ears.

"Wha-what?" Draco asked.

"I am going to have to-!" She began but was cut off by the blonde female banshee.

"YES! YES! WE WOULD LOVE FREE CLOTHES FROM HOLLISTER FOR OUR AMAZING SINGING!" Harriet started picking up random shirts and started shoving them in her purse.

"-Ask you to leave." The manager finished.

"WHAT! WHY?" Harriet exclaimed upset that she was getting kicked out of her second favorite store.

"You're loud and obnoxious. Look, you are even making us lose service." The manager then pointed toward a group of people who were trying to get as far away as possible from the terrible singing.

"But… I still have to buy these shirts," she said while holding all the shirts she could hold (Draco was, of course, paying) close to her chest. As soon as she finished that statement, _Hold It Against Me _by Brittany Spears, Harriet's idol, started playing.

"Oh, look another song!"

"TAKE THE SHIRTS AND GET THE HELL OUT!" the angry manager roared.

Draco and Harriet dashed out of the store as fast as their legs could carry them.

**RANDOM FIRST PERSON POINT OF VIEW**

I did not why Ebony (or Enoby we're not sure) was so mad at me. Me and Vampire went out-!

**OOPS… WRONG STORY! BACK TO THE REGULAR STUFF**

Draco Malfoy knew something was wrong because his father had not written to him in two weeks. Well, not that he cared. Draco no longer cared what his father thought and said for he only did in cannon. He knew if he cared about his father at all. His angel, Harriet, would break up with him. He promised her when they started dating he would never become cannon. _Cannon _he thought with disgust. Cannon according to Harriet was the most vile, evil thing to ever exist. Harriet had told him while she was hypnotizing him that the things he must hate the most were yaoi (slash), gofficks, and the worst of them all _cannon._

The next day Draco Malfoy entered into the Hall Great, walked over the Gryffindor table, and sat next to his best friend, Ron Weasley, who was sitting next to his sister, Ginny Weasley, and Harriet.

The Hall Great was no longer the Great Hall because Dumbledore announced as soon as Harriet arrived to Warthogs that the Great Hall was way to cannon and so was Hogwarts. Gryffindor wasn't too cannon, okay?

He became best friends with Ron Weasley because Draco loved poor people.

Not in that way. Draco hated yaoi remember, idiots. Also, Draco could never love anyone as much as Harriet. From her beautiful blonde hair to her not-an-illness pink sparkling eyes, he loved her so much. I must stop this rant. I am beginning to cry. Back to the story okay my non-cannon lovers.

**TO WHERE EVER HARRIET IS (APPROXIMATELY EIGHT MINUTES BEFORE DRACO ARRIVED)!**

Harriet was deep in conversation with her biggest fan Ginny Weasley and her _other _boyfriend Ron Weasley.

She is NOT cheating on Draco. Ron and Draco both love her so much that they share her. SO STOP TELLING ME SHE IS CHEATING OR IT'S A HAREM! This does not count as a harem, whatever that means.

"Harriet, Harriet, can you sign my hand?" Ginny asked.

"Oh, no problem" Harriet said. Harriet loved her fans, but Ginny was her favorite for not ever being cannon, completely loyal to her, and that they could dress up in an attractive way together.

Not in a slutty way like Lavender Brown or Hermione Granger would. Harriet was not a slut.

Draco then sat next to Harriet, and he and Ron started taking turns, about who was going to make out with me… Harriet.

The doors of the Hall Great opened and then….

Harriet's parents and Sirius ran in with Remus following shortly behind.

Harriet's parents are not dead okay?

"Harriet," James panted, "We ran all the way from Hollow Godric's to tell you that your name really isn't Harriet."

"Your name is Flower, sweet-heart, we also brought you a million dollars from your bank account," Lily handed her a huge bag full of muggle money.

"Don't… you… mean… galleons…" Remus said between breaths, "And besides… Isn't muggle money called pounds in Europe? They only call it dollars in America."

"What are you talking about?" Lily snapped. "I did not understand a word you just said."

"Shut up, Lily" James said as he smacked his wife.

"OH MERLIN! WHAT THE HELL JAMES?" Remus shouted, going in front of his friend, Lily, to protect her.

"What's wrong with you, Remus?" Lily asked, smiling cheerfully. "You know he beats me on a daily basis."

"No… He doesn't. He loves you and that would be the last thing he would ever do!" Lily then shot Remus her own version of Voldemort's _Dude you are so retarded look._

"What kind of fa-" he paused, shaking his head, "You know what, never mind."

The door of the Hall Great once again opened to reveal a man with not-so-greasy-anymore black hair and was dressed all in black.

"SNAPEY!" shouted Sirius, "I ran all this way to see you, my best friend. What were you doing when I arrived here?"

"Washing my hair," replied the grumpy man.

"WHAT?" Remus roared. "SEVERUS WOULD NEVER WASH HIS HAIR! AND, I HAVE HAD IT! THE LAST FEW DAYS YOU ALL HAVE BEEN ACTING STRANGE. FIRST OF ALL JAMES HAS BEEN SO RUDE TO LILY-!"

"Uh, Remus" Sirius began noticing everyone was watching the werewolf.

"DON'T 'UH REMUS' ME. YOU HAVE BEEN ACTING LIKE AN ARSE TOO, PROBABLY WORSE THEN JAMES. YOU HAVE BEEN SO RUDE TO JAMES, LILY, AND ME. YOU ACT LIKE SNAPE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. YOU DESPISE SNAPE!"

"Wow, you can't even get Remus to stop talking. Pathetic," Lily glared at Sirius, as the angry man with sandy blond hair kept raising his voice.

"LIKE YOU'RE ANY BETTER! YOU HAVE BEEN ACTING LIKE MISS PRINCESS LONG ENOUGH! EVERY TIME I MENTION YOUR OWN SON, YOU TWO," he pointed at James and Lily, "ACT LIKE YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!"

"ALSO, WHO THE HELL IS THIS HARRIET YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT?" After Remus finished his "speech" James fist collided with Remus' jaw.

"WHAT THE F-" Remus was about to start another "speech", but was interrupted by Neville jogging into the Hall Great, soon followed by two figures.

"Professor Lupin! Professor Lupin!" Neville shouted. "I-! Wait, why do you have a bruise on your jaw?" Remus glared at James for a moment rubbing the tender spot on his face.

"Never mind that, go on."

"Okay… Anyway, I found these two in Filch's office hanging by their thumbs!" Neville stepped out of the way to reveal Harry Potter and Voldemort who were both glaring at Flower (Harriet).

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Voldemort questioned the trembling girl. "Why haven't I shown up ONCE? I am the antagonist of this series why am I not even in this story-!"

"Why are you going around saying you're me?" Harry interrupted the Dark Lord. "And why is Malfoy sitting at the Gryffindor table" Harry pointed toward Draco who was eating a piece of chicken.

Flower, who was being glared at by three different people, could not stand the negative attention and died.

"Finally, someone who is sane!" Remus ran up to Harry, Neville, and Voldemort and gave them all hugs and started run around the Hall Great and was shouting something about 'almost going insane' and 'freedom'.

"WHAT! DID YOU JUST HUG ME! YOU KNOW I CAN ONLY HUG DRACO!" Voldemort wailed. Remus smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry… Should have known about that," Remus laughed nervously.

"What could it possibly be now?" Remus asked as once again the same two doors opened, and Dean walked through the doors while dragging Seamus with him by the collar.

"Remove the curse, now." Dean demanded. Dean looked like he had not slept in days. It seemed like all Dean did since the ever Flower-banshee arrived was search for Seamus and be pestered to death by that Flower thing.

Seamus muttered a few words and with the wave of his wand everyone seemed to turn back in character, even, Voldemort, Dean, Harry, and Remus who all were slightly affected by the curse.

"So, it was you," Remus accused Seamus. "Why?"

"I got bored, since McGonagall wouldn't let me set Hogwarts on fire again. All I did was change everyone's character, and I gave Harry and Voldemort to Filch; took you all that long to notice."

"And you created that thing, and you made her think she was me!" Harry started glaring at Seamus.

"I don't know what you're talking about?"

"Wait if you didn't create that monster then who did?" Remus asked.

Even though that was a question never to be answered, Sirius walked up to his best friend and put his arm on Remus' shoulder.

"I am sorry, Moony, for putting you through Hell the last few weeks," Sirius said as he gave Remus a peck on the lips. James rolled his eyes.

"Do you two have to make out now?"

While everyone had their eyes glued to the kissing couple, Flower's dead body dissolved out of thin air, never to be found again.

**PIGFARTS LINE BREAK!**

Sally banged her head on her keyboard repetitively. She did not know why everyone was flaming her story, or why that hacker made a filler chapter. Now everyone thought that was the end of her "wonderful" story. Sally had tears running down her pudgy face as she held back her brown hair while reading flame after flame and congratulations to the hacker's chapter. Little did she notice something heading toward her house, about over a hundred miles per hour.

The following day's news report was about a meteor hitting a random house which luckily only contained one preteen girl who had tried to write a good fanfiction.

**End of Chapter One**

**Review and tell me what clichés we should add.**

**Special Thanks to KatiekkxD for co-writing this story! Thanks for correcting all my punctuation as well!**

**I apologize to anyone who's name is Sally that doesn't write Sue-shit.**


	2. Can You Help Me?

**A/N STUPP FLMMING YOU PREPS!1!9!1 An Fangz for the god reviows! Dis chapter is deadicated (get it cuz im goffick!) 2 you Katie 4 being da bst beta reader evvvaaaaa!**

To all my fellow readers and fans that haven't heard of me until now,

I need help finding a few fanfictions. For the first one, I don't remember the title, the author, the plotline, and the genre. All I remember was that it had SNAPE! He apparently was a double agent, and he was talking to Harry when he was dying and gave him his tears. Harry went into some memory thing and found out SNAPE LOVED JAMES! It was so sweet, and Snape also said, "Always."

For the second one, I remember the plotline. So, it might be easier. Okay, there was a mass murderer after Harry, and the defense against the dark arts teacher was a werewolf. Some half-giant named Hagar something became the new care of magical creatures teacher (like that would ever happen in cannon). Cannon is too emotional for me. I mean when Bellitrecks killed Debby I cried! Also, when, Petunia killed Snape on the Astronomy Tower; I was so emotional! Anyway help me find this.

The last story I remember a lot of it, but I can't remember the title. It was written by ravenretallishun and was about a boy named turtle going to Hogwarts. His best friend was Hairy Potty, and his love interest was some pretty girl name Herman. The author did so much research and read all the books (Just kidding he watched ALL the movies!). Turtle had the power of fried chicken! Vadermort, Dracula/ Draco, and Hitler were the antagonist of the story. They all went back in time and got rid of fried chicken. So Turtle had to go invent it again, and he also met Jesus! Thank you, and please help!1!91!1!

**Real Author's Note: I know this is really short, but I am starting to work on the next chapter. Also, I posted this short thing to let you know I haven't died…yet. School has been really annoying, and I don't have a better excuse! The last story does exist, surprisingly. It deserves a prize as _My Immortal. _It is actually called _Imma Wiserd, _and thank Merlin I don't own it. Please, review or flame if you're a prep!**


	3. Super Christian

**Authors Note (AKA long rant that readers always skip!): Ugh! Am I the only one that is tired of this bullshit? People read Harry Potter fanfiction to read about Harry Potter NOT religion. These fics usually consist of killing off main characters, claiming that the series is evil, forcing religion on the reader, and most importantly saying that flamers are evil. (Okay, only the preppy flamers are evil!) I mean really, why do people that hate the series write fanfiction about it? Oh, this is ONLY A PARODY of idiots that write this garbage. Please, do NOT get mad at me for bashing any sort of religion. IF YOU ARE VERY RELIGIOUS AND ARE OFFENDED EASILY, DO NOT READ! You can skip over it, leave, or whatever. I am not going to come down to your house and force you to read it. I also have nothing against homosexuals, for I am a proud Drarry and Wolfstar fan!**

**HAIRYETT / FLUWER/ EBONY/DA AUFOR IZ NUT MARY SUE, OKAY?11(! I DUNT EVEN KNOW WHO DIS MARY SUE IS! AND STUUP FLAMIN YUH PREPPS! AND FANGS TO ALL DOSE GOFFS OUT DER DAT GAVE ME GOD REVOIWS!9!111!  
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Johnny Obadiah Matthew Luke Skywalker Nehemiah Ruth Adam Mary Joseph Bible Jesus Christ starred at his feet as he walked quietly into the Great Hall. His bright non-Staanist, brown hair was at the perfect length not to long like those Satanic fools. He sighed as he sat at the Gryffindor table beside a boy with black hair with crimson streaks running through it. He had picked this particular table because his random pastor, that he always mentions, told him (he somehow knew about Harry Potter) that the Gryffindor house had the least amount of Staanist.

Johnny gagged when he saw Dumbledore walk up to the podium. Dumbledore was wearing tight leather pants that said "Kiss my ass" on the butt. (A/N: Johnny isn't gay or a pervert. SO SHUT THE HELL UP YOU STAANIST! Also, sorry to Jesus because I swore.) His shirt was loose fitting and had a giant picture of a pentagram on it with the words 'Staan is lord, Staan is love, Staan is best'. Everyone in the Great hall abruptly stopped there Staantanic conversations. They gave the headmaster a round of applause.

"Yo, dude, it's Dumbles in the damn house!" Dumbledore said, looking around the hall with swag. "So, man, we are going to start this year a bit differently. Each class will start with a prayer to Staan, and new classes such as Staanic rituals and the history of Staanism have been added to everyone's timetables. Also," Dumbledore waved his wand, "new decorations will be placed in the Great Hall!" All four house banners dissolved and were replaced with similar decorations with pentagrams on them.

"Headmaster, I do believe that you cannot just change the decorations and add classes." Snape drawled, pointing toward the Stan banners.

"I am headmaster." Dumbledore pouted. "What I say goes!"

"Those classes and decorations have been around for thousands of years-" Snape began.

"No one asked you, bitch!" Dumbledore snapped, becoming angry within seconds. Some of the immature students in the Great Hall were snickering quietly.

"I just so happen to be a guy, Headmaster."

"That doesn't change the fact that you're a bitch, bitch," Dumbledore retorted, snapping his figures and walking with swag toward the teachers table. Most of the students (and some teachers) burst out laughing. And poor Fred Weasley fell out of his seat.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw." Snape glared at the students (especially Fred). "And five points from Slytherin."

"Now, that I assume the headmaster's speech is over-"

"NO, SEVVY! LET ME FINISH MY SPEECH." Dumbledore wailed, running up from the staff table.

"Sevvy? Why I-" Snape was thinking of thousands of ways to torture the goffic headmaster.

"Well, that's the end of the speech." McGonagall laughed nervously.

"No, it's not! Why does everyone keep trying to end my speech?" Dumbledore complained.

"YOU ALL MAY EAT NOW!" McGonagall declared. Just as she said that a variety of food appeared on the tables of all four houses.

"Wait!" Dumbledore yelled moodily.

"What now, headmaster?" Snape growled.

"As everyone eats, I will be playing wonderful rock music in the worship of Staan!" Dumbledore smiled as he once again waved his wand and "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. (A/N: For all you evil Staan worshipping sinners out there, I will not call it as you call it MCR because that's evil!)

"Headmaster, why are you blasting muggle music? And who is this Staan?" Snape questioned with disdain.

"Sevvy, how do you not-!" Dumbledore bitched before being cut off.

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP AND EAT YOUR GODDAMN DINNER! OMS YOU BOTH ARE LIKE MEDIOCRE DUNCEHEADS!" McGonagall screeched.

"Yes, ma'am," Snape and Dumbledore said simultaneously and started eating their food.

Johnny was covering his ears throughout the vulgar conversation between the teachers. He took out his bible and tried to eat and read while he covered his ears to smother out the sound of the "demonic" music. Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

Johnny turned around to see that the boy with the weird hair that he sat next to was trying to get his attention. The teenager was wearing ripped jeans and a Linkin Park t-shirt. He also had a pentagram on his forehead.

"And you are?" Johnny asked.

"I am Harry James Potter, but everyone calls me Vampire now days." Johnny felt disgusted. Vampires were evil and of the devil- especially when they sparkled. Who would ever want be a vampire?

"I know what you are." Johnny gazed into Vampire's emotionless eyes looking for any trace of humanity.

"Say it. Say it out loud."

"Say what?" Johnny questioned.

"What I am…"

"Oh, you must be an evil Staanist. I thought there weren't any in Gryffindor."

"That's Hufflepuff." Vampire said as he pointed over to the Hufflepuff table. Shit Johnny thought as he bowed his head. I am sorry, Lord, for I have sinned.

"Anyway, I am a Christian." Vampire said in monotone.

"NO, YOUR NOT!" Johnny yelled. "Why do you have a pentagram on your forehead, huh?" Johnny stepped closer to Vampire.

"Just because I have it on my forehead doesn't mean I believe it, and if you really want to get close to me you could just ask. But your really not that good looking."

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FAG!" Johnny yelled holding his cross before him while everyone in the Great Hall was eyeing the duo.

"Well, you're the one that got close to me."

"WELL THEN FUCK YOU!" He screamed his hand shaking with the cross nearly touching Vampire's chest.

"I think you might enjoy that." Vampire then saw his friends and had to go away.

"I am sorry, Lord, for I have sinned." Johnny prayed.

Later that evening Johnny was laying in his bed at the boy's dormitory (after he had set out his things and put a huge cross.) He was trying to read his Bible and pray to Jesus. But he was disrupted by the door opening and two boys walking into the dorm. One was Vampire, and the other was a pale boy with blond hair, icy blue eyes, and a lot of black eye liner. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt and black skinny jeans.

"Who is that?" Johnny asked pointing at the other boy.

"This is my boyfriend, Draco." Vampire put his arm on Draco's shoulder. (A/N: This has absolutely nothing to do with My Immortal. I don't why you stupid Staanist keep telling me I am stealing characters! SO SHUT THE HELL UP YOU, FAGS! P.S. Once again, Jesus I am sorry for I have swore… again...)

"What is he doing in our dorm? He will get his Staan germs all over me!" Johnny complained like a whiny bitch.

"Calm down you, preppy fucker. I won't get my so called germs on you." Draco replied coolly. "And, Vampire, I think that c-r-o-s-s is upside down." (A/N: Staanist obviously can't say the word cross! It is too holy for them!)

"I think your right, Draco." Vampire glanced at Draco then at Johnny's huge cross on the wall.

"Wha-What do you think you're doing!" Johnny screamed as Draco and Vampire turned the cross on the wall upside down.

"Fixing the problem," Draco and Vampire both glared at Johnny. Randomly, Draco and Vampire started to make out.

"EWWWWW!" Johnny dragged out the 'w' for about ten seconds.

Draco and Vampire started to take off each other's clothes.

"I am still in the room, you know." Johnny grumbled. The couple ignored Johnny's protest and acted as if he didn't even exist.

Johnny just stared at them as they made out. Johnny never bothered to have his first kiss even though he was sixteen. His mother didn't even kiss him goodnight when he was little for kissing was a sin. 

"WHAT THE HELL!" Vampire shouted as he was observing a tattoo on Draco's arm that said "Johnny". "You're cheating on me with that preppy fucker! You probably have AIDS anyway." Vampire stormed to the other side of the room.

"JOHNNY OBADIAH MATTHEW LUKE SKYWALKER NEHEMIAH RUTH ADAM MARY JOSEPH BIBLE JESUS CHRIST, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Vampire took out his wand and pointed it at Johnny.

(A/N: OM…SANDWITCH! I DID NOT STEAL THIS FROM My Immortal. WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING ME THAT! EBONY (TARA) IS A SWEET CHRISTIAN GIRL. I WOULD NEVER STEAL ANY THING FROM A NICE GIRL LIKE HER. YOU KNOW WHAT! BECAUSE YOU ALL KEEP COMPLAINING, I WON'T LET YOU READ THE REST OF THIS SCENCE! BURN IN HELL STAANIST!)

(RANDOM SCENCE SINCE AUTHOR IS MAD!)

"Remus, why aren't you sleeping?" Sirius asked his best friend.

"It's been two days, Padfoot. I think I can walk around on my own." The tired werewolf rubbed his eyes and yawned.

"Anyway, do you happen to know where my wand is?" Remus asked. Sirius only responded with a shrug and sheepish smirk.

(BACK TO JOHNNY AND HIS BORING ASS LIFE)

The next day in potions class Johnny was sitting between Vampire (who was sitting next Draco, of course) and some other random kid with long brown curly hair that was blown with a non-existent breeze. It flew in a way that kind of looked like Jesus'. He was short and Jewish. HE WASN'T CHUBBY BECAUSE JEWISH PEOPLE CAN'T BE CHUBBY! His shirt had the words "I LOVE JESUS AND STAANIST WILL BURN IN HELL!" on it. He was wearing white sweats and sandals. He had his hand out in a "Come at me, Bro" fashion.

Johnny decided it would be smarter and more pleasing to Jesus if he talked to this kid instead of Draco the fag and his bitch Vampire. (A/N: JOHNNY ASKED JESUS FOR FORGIVNESS FOR SWEARING, OKAY?)

"Hi! My name is Johnny… uh… I forgot the rest of my name…." Johnny scratched his head. "So just call me Johnny or Holy. Either one works."

"Oh, hello there brother in Christ," the random person smiled. (A/N: RANDOM KID HAS A MEDAL DETECTOR IN HIS BRAIN THAT FINDS CHRISTIANS, OKAY?)

"My name is Neville Harry Ron Hermione Jewish Bible Turtle Amos Golden Trio Holy Voldemort No-Staanist Longbottom, but everyone calls me Christy. And-"

"LONGBOTTOM, NO TALKING, TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR." Snape snarled.

"But he doesn't call you Christy." Johnny pointed towards the furious potions master.

"Because he is a stupid Staanist fucker," Christy said. Then he bowed his head and asked Jesus for forgiveness.

"Longbottom, why aren't you working on your potion?" Snape asked.

"BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!" Christy stood on his chair.

"Very nice Longbottom," Snape said sarcastically. "Now sit down and start working. And fifty more points from Gryffindor." Most of the Gryffindors glared at 'Christy'.

"No let me explain. I love Jesus Christ because-" Christy began.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, LONGBOTTOM!" a kid with black hair and blue streaks yelled.

"Weasley, that's thirty points from Gryffindor!" Snape looked like he was about to explode. (A/N: NOT LITERALLY, OKAY?)

"My name is Diablo." Diablo pouted.

"Since when Weasley, and fifty points from Gryffindor for your attitude." Johnny jumped as he heard Diablo swear under his breath. He started to cry tears of blood because Diablo didn't ask Jesus for forgiveness.

Two voices were heard from a distance and seemed to get louder every second. The door opened, and two men (one with black hair and another with sandy blond hair) walked into the classroom.

"Remus, I swear it wasn't me!" the black hair man protested.

"I know it was you, Sirius. You were the one running around the house with my wand shouting nonsense!"

"That doesn't mean it did anything." Sirius said.

"Finally, I'm not that only one that's sane," Snape said looking as though he was going to hug the remaining Marauders. The expression only lasted a moment, however because he had realized who he was talking to. "Even though it is you two."  
>"Who are you?" Johnny yelled dramatically, standing on his chair. "You must be those Staanist, I've heard about!"<p>

"The question is who you are. You're not even in the series, and it hasn't been properly explained why you're here." Remus tried to find some sort of logic in this, whatever it is.

"STAANIST111!1117!1!" Johnny ran towards the duo with his Bible. Johnny raised the book and hit them both in the back of their heads knocking them both unconscious.

"SEE THEY HAVE TO BE STAANIST TO PASS OUT!" Johnny cheered.

"No, silly," Draco smiled, "you hit them with a concrete Bible!"

"They still sell those?" Snape drawled. The class just stared at him. "What? If everyone else is OOC why can't I?" The class continued to stare. "Forget it."

The door to the classroom once again opened to reveal a snake like man without a nose. He was wearing a green glittery dress and matching green heels. He was also holding a baby pink purse with a red strap. It was…

VOLDEMORT!

"Severus! I need help finding my diary." Voldemort whined.

"My Lord, I believe that was destroyed years ago."

"Not that one! The one with the pink ponies and glitter, it has all my secrets, you know. Oh! And Snapey how many times do I have to tell you that you can call me Voldy, just not Tommy!" Voldemort stepped over Sirius' and Remus' bodies and stood next to Snape.

"Oh. My. Sandwich. It's… It's." Johnny squealed, "VOLDY THE BIGGEST CHRISTIAN EVER!" Johnny took out a quill and a piece of parchment. "VOLDY, VOLDY, CAN YOU SIGN THIS, PLEASE?"

"You're such a girl, and you call us fags." Draco stood up.

"You want to fight me, huh?" Johnny slammed the parchment on Snape's desk. Johnny ran up to Draco, and they started to wrestle on the floor.

"Professor Snape, Professor Snape, make them stop!" Vampire wailed.

Christy then raised his hand.

"Professor Snape, I have to pee!" Christy was raising his hand. Snape groaned.

"THE DIARY HAD SECRETS ABOUT ME AND LUCI-!" The dark lord clung to Snape's arm.

"MAKE THEM STOP!" Vampire had tears running down his face.

"I REALLY HAVE TO PEE!" Christy was waving his hand around hitting random students in the process.

"-ABOUT MY SECRET AFFAIRS WITH RANDOLF AND-!"

"PROFESSOR SNAPE, THEY MIGHT DIE!"

"I NEED TO REALLY USE THE BATHROOM."

With three different people screaming and two people fighting, no one seemed to notice the bell ring. Diablo then raised his hand.

"WHAT WEASLEY!" Snape barked

"Well the bell-" Diablo began.

"-MY FLUFFY GERBAL, CUTIE'S DEATH-"

"THEY MIGHT GO TO AZKABAN FOR KILLING EACH OTHER THEN-"

"I MIGHT WET MY PANTS!"

"ARGH!" Snape screamed.

Snape jolted up covered in sweat. _Phew._ Snape thought_. Just a dream, that's the last time I read fanfiction before I go to bed._ Snape hugged his Lily doll and closed his eyes entering a peaceful sleep.

Smirking, Snape walked into the Great Hall to see everything back to normal. He was delighted to see everything just as it was supposed to be. Hell, he was even happy to see Potter acting normal. He was so deep in thought he did not even notice he almost ran into Luna Lovegood.

"Oh, sorry, Professor," Luna said casually. Luna had black hair with blue streaks. She had a black shirt with a pentagram on it and a short black skirt with fishnets underneath. Her usually happy face was dawned with sadness.

"Lovegood, what are you wearing?" Snape asked completely shocked by the outfit.

"Everyone else is wearing it, so I thought it would be nice to try." Luna said as she walked over to the Ravenclaw table.

"ARGH!" Snape screamed with a feeling of déjà vu. 

**Author's Note: Well that's it. Thanks for reading, and please tell me what you think. Please, review and flame if you're a prep.**


	4. Extreme Abuse

**Author's Note: Okay, I seem to notice some of these stories around the site. I mean really some of the people that write these try to use the sympathy card. Really the stuff people write is not very credible. Use logic if you write one of these. Most of the time, everyone always ends up OOC, and abuse is taken to another whole level. I think abuse is a serious matter, and this is just a parody. DO NOT TAKE THIS SIRIUSLY (geddit because of Sirius?)! I also decided to change the rating to T. I personally think the story swears to much for K+.**

**WARNING: DIS CHAPTUR IS EXTREMLU SCARY VIEOW DISLESSION IS ADVICED! **

**THERE IS SOME SHOUNEN AI/YAOI/SLASH/BL WHATEVER THE HELL YOU CALL IT!**

Harry hid under his torn blanket in his cupboard. That blanket was the only warmth he had ever had in his entire life, for he lived with his abusive Uncle Vernon and his helpless Aunt Petunia.

His uncle liked to go out drinking after rough days at work. According to Vernon, almost every day was a rough day in the magical world. When he got back from the bar, he would like to take out his anger on none other than Harry. His aunt used to be able to get him to stop torturing Harry by proclaiming that 'the neighbors would get suspicious.' But, after a while the excuse got old, and Vernon would usually respond along the lines of 'I don't give a damn about the fucking neighbors, they probably have AIDS anyway!' Now all Petunia could do was stand in the corner and stare at the wall which was covered with Dora the Explorer.

The abuse started around a week after he arrived at the Dursleys. He may have been only one, but HE DID SURVIVE….again. It all just seemed natural to Harry. Sometimes, Vernon would go too far, like the time when he was two Uncle Vernon pushed him down a flight of stairs and started raping him because, of course, Uncle Vernon was just some gay, child molester who liked raping two year olds. When he was five, Uncle Vernon started pushing him out a two story window on Saturdays. Just last year, Dudley started helping Vernon with this 'sport'.

Suddenly, a loud thumping noise came from outside of the cupboard's door.

"Come out, boy! You know what day it is," Vernon spat. Harry had no choice, he had to listen to Vernon or he would get a nice two week trip to the hospital. Of course when he went, none of the doctors ever suspected abuse because they had PhDs. Harry sat up and slowly opened the door to the cupboard.

"What took you so long?" Vernon hissed as he grabbed Harry by the neck.

"S..Sorry," Harry choked out. He did not know if he would see another day.

The front door flew off its hinges.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN' YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" yelled a voice. It was…

Dumbledore!

"What are you doing in my house?" Vernon glared at the old man with a pointy hat and a long bead.

"Do you happen to have any sherbet lemons?" asked the strange man.

"NO!"

"You ludicrous fools, how you not have any sherbet lemons!" The old man picked up the door.

"H..e..l…p" Harry said between small breathes.

"No, Harry, you need to stay here due to blood protection!" The man placed the door against the wall, "Bye then," Dumbles waved and ran to the next house.

"Now that is over!" Vernon dragged Harry upstairs by his collar. The duo entered Dudley's second bedroom which was full of broken toys. Vernon opened the window dragging Harry forward.

"DUDLEY!" Vernon shouted. Dudley was playing in the front yard with a new scooter he got yesterday.

"WHAT DAD," Dudley hollered back.

"IT'S SATURDAY! WE ARE CHANGING THINGS A BIT! START A FIRE UNDER THE WINDOW!"

"WHAT IF I BURN MYSELF?" asked Dudley worriedly.

"STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!"

"WHAT IF I CAN'T ROLL?" Dudley questioned.

"USE YOUR BODY FAT, DUDLEY, USE YOUR BODY FAT!" Vernon yelled out to him.

"WHY DID YOU SAY THAT TWICE?"

"STOP QUESTIONING ME AND MAKE THE BLOODY FIRE!" Vernon screamed annoyed.

"THERE'S BLOOD INVOLVED?" Vernon stared at his son dumbfounded.

"JUST MAKE THE FIRE!" Vernon yelled getting frustrated.

"I DON'T KNOW HOW!"

"USE MATCH- YOU KNOW WHAT! ASK YOUR MOTHER! AND YELL LOUDER SO MRS. FIGG CAN HEAR US!" Vernon growled at him.

"WAIT, WHAT?"

"LOUDER, DUDLEY, YELL LOUDER!" Vernon said glaring.

"WHY DID YOU REPEAT YOURSELF?" Dudley asked again.

"SHUT UP AND START THE FIRE!"

"BUT…" Vernon glared at his son.

After two hours of "hard work" Dudley finally started the fire. Vernon then picked up Harry, started his satanic chants, and finally threw Harry out the window. Harry closed his eyes, and prepared to fall to his premature death. Then a greasy black haired man with a cape saved him.

"You saved me, superman!" Harry said as he hugged his savior.

"I am NOT superman!" the mysterious figure yelled.

"Are you batman then?"

"NO! I am NOT a muggle superhero!"

"Oh, I know!" Harry smiled.

"Wait… How do you know me?" The man was stunned.

"YOU'RE JESUS!" Harry said thrilled.

"NO! I AM NOT JESUS!"

"Are you Vampire?" Harry questioned.

"NO, YOU'RE VAMPIRE!" The man yelled as Harry crossed his arms.

"I'm not a vampire! I am a Satanist!" (A/N: After the events of My Immortal, Vampire switched over to Satanism, because he loved Ebony… or Enoby. We still don't know.)

"Whatever," The man snapped his finger in a ghetto-girl manner. "Just keep guessing."

"How about Staan?"

"Who the hell is Staan?" The man said sneering.

"Well Jerry and Ebony-" The greasy haired man stared at him for his explanation.

"What the hell are you talking-?" The man started questioning.

"-Moony, why did you break me out of Azkaban? Don't you still think I'm a murderer or some other garbage? And, hey! Isn't that Snivellus?" a voice interrupted debate between the small child and the greasy hero. Harry turned his head to see a haggard looking man with black hair and a sandy blond haired man with several scars on his face.

"I don't know of this Snivellus you speak of, and why would I break you out of Azkaban. I don't even know who you are!"

"Obviously you do. YOU BROKE ME OUT OF AZKABAN! WE'VE KNOWN EACHOTHER SINCE WE WERE ELEVEN!" the black haired man shouted at the other man.

"Because, Siri, I MUST SPY ON PETUNIA," the sandy blond shouted out to the heavens as a hand appeared on his shoulder.

"Then how do you know my bloody na-!"

"Spying without me, Loopin." the hero of the day glared at Loopin.

"Oh no, Snap, I would never spy without YOU!" Loopin pointed his index finger at Snap.

"Can anyone explain what is going on?" Sirius questioned glancing at Snap and Loopin.

"Shush, Black. It is important that we aren't heard. Come on Loopin let's go." Snap grabbed Loopin's right arm and dragged him to the Dursley's window.

"So… Harry, can do you know what is up with the evil, greasy-," Sirius began.

"He is the best most heroic man ever!" Harry shouted.

"NO, NOT YOU TOO!" Sirius screamed and started running in circles muttering things about sanity.

"Loopin, you have the camera?" Snap asked while looking at Petunia through a pair of binoculars.

"Of course, Snap, why wouldn't I? By the way, brilliant idea with these bush disguises." Loopin smiled as he took out his muggle video camera and started recording.  
>"Loopin, zoom in a little," Snap said as he looked over Loopin's shoulder at the camera.<p>

"Okay," Loopin said cheerfully as he zoomed in on Petunia.

"Why is so great about that ugly hag. I mean, really, she is flat as a board." Snap jumped a little, and Loopin let out a girlish shriek in surprise. They both turned their heads and saw Sirius who just waved.

"How could you see through our disguises? They were the best anyone could ever get!" Snap declared, and Sirius started laughing.

"Those the best disguises! Only an idiot couldn't be able to see through them. I mean, really, they are made out of muggle green construction paper." Sirius said as the front door to the Dursley's house opened.

"Come on, Dudley. We need to find that boy and throw him out the window again." Vernon cheered as he and Dudley waddled out of the front door.

"Hey, Mum, since when did you have bushes?" Dudley walked over the bushes Snap and Loopin were disguising as. "Whatever." Dudley went back over to where Vernon was standing.

"Those are some nice bushes, right, Dudley." Vernon had a creepy smile on his face that looked kind of like a smile that a pedo-clown would have.

"Well, he didn't they fall for it, Sirius. So I guess Snap was right." Loopin pouted sticking out his tongue.

"That's because they're deluded. And why are you standing up for him!" Sirius scowled.

"I AM A STAANIST!" Loopin yelled in Snap's ear.

"OW! MY EAR!" Snap covered his ears with his hands.

"What does that have to do with-?"

"Oh, look Dumbledore came back. HIYA DUMBY!" Loopin waved to Dumbledore, who smiled and yelled back something along the lines of 'We can talk when I find my sherbet lemons'.

"You know, if you're trying to spy you should, I don't know, keep your voices down." Sirius muttered.

"SHH! SIRI, IF YOUR LOUD ENOUGH YOU MIGHT BE HEARD!" Loopin said rather loudly, and Snap just giggled and hugged Loopin.

"You were louder than-!" Sirius was interrupted by a loud crash followed by a scream.

"VERNON, VERNON, THERE IS WEIRD MAN HIDING IN MY BUSHES!" The banshee shrieked from inside the house.

"Who is she yelling to? Vernon is inside so…" Sirius was dragged out of the 'bushes' by the collar.

"You think we should help him?" Loopin asked his spying buddy.

"Nah!" Snap giggled. "He can handle himself."

"But… OH, LOOK PETUNIA WALKED RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW!"

"WERE YOU SPYING ON MY WIFE?" Vernon spat.

"No, you fat oaf. Why would I want to spy on that evil wench?"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY WIFE?" Vernon picked Sirius up off the ground by his shirt.

"Nothing, fat arse," Sirius grabbed Vernon's meaty wrist. "Now, put me down or I am going to have hex you."

"You know calling me fat doesn't offend me because I prize my body fat so that Dudley and I can have contest in the swimming pool on who can sink first. Petunia always loses, of course." Vernon loosened his grip on Sirius' shirt ignorant to the flaws in his statement.

"I am trailing off. I think I am supposed to punch you now!" Vernon's fist collided with Sirius' left eye.

Loopin was feeling a bit… strange. He felt an odd mixture of worry and something else for Siri. He knew he didn't like Siri. He also knew that Snap was very important to him. He had known this since he and Snap had met, spied on Ebony (or Enoby) together, and became official spying buddies. They had become really close in Abkhazian, and Loopin loved his spying buddy more than anyone else. Although, he had never had this feeling for Snap.

Loopin felt something in the back of his mind as he jumped up and ran toward Siri.

"SIRIUS!" Loopin lunged toward Sirius, wrapped his arms on him, and knocked down Vernon in the process. He heard Petunia shout something about bushes being able to walk. He watched as Vernon and his minion retreat back into their evil lair.

"Remus, buddy, speak to me! Please, Remus, you might be yourself again." Sirius silently begged that his friend was back to normal.

"Siri, I need to tell you something very important…"

"Anything, Remus, anything.!"

"I LIKE CABBAGES!" Loopin shouted.

"You must be joking." Sirius looked at the ground disappointed. "If you think that this is some sick joke…"

"HEY, SNAP, WANT TO WATCH ME TURN THIS PIECE OF GRASS INTO A HORSE WITH MAGIC!" Loopin ran over to Snap.

"No, he really isn't joking. NO!" Sirius fainted.

The blueprint of Vernon's next diabolical plan was sprawled out all over the table. Vernon was explaining to his son what exactly he was supposed to do. He had changed up the plan from the original one because Dudley still didn't know how to use matches without Petunia's help. So, Vernon introduced him to a lighter.

"So, I start the fire here, but what if I burn-!"

"NO, DUDLEY, WE ARE NOT STARTING THAT BLOODY CONVERSATION AGAIN!"

"There's blood-!"

"I SAID NO, DUDLEY!"

"Fine," Dudley stared at floor upset that his father never answered his questions correctly.

A few hours have passed since the dog animagi passed out. Loopin and Snap got tired of spying on Petunia, (A/N: Not really the Dursleys just closed the blinds. Lololololo9lololol) and decided to wake up their so-called "friend".

"Severus!" Loopin yelled as Snap poured a bucket of water on the passed out Black.

"Wha-What happened?" Sirius asked clutching his head.

"You fainted!" Loopin raised his hands dramatically. "And the fat dude that beat you up earlier that I had to save you from-" Sirius glared. "a- well, yeah, him. He and mini-whale decided to throw Harry out the window!" Sirius continued to glare.

"STOP GLARING, SEVERUS! YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS!" Loopin wailed.

"Aren't you two planning on doing something? AND STOP CALLING ME SEVERUS!" Sirius scowled

"Well, yeah," Snap joined the conversation, "and why does calling you Severus make you angry. I happen to like the name."

"You know what I think?" Sirius was glaring at Snap.

"You can think?" Snap replied, using an overly cliché comeback that some lonely people still use in life. (BN: Beta reader is offended at this.)

Sirius basically ignored Snap's lame comeback and said, "I think Snivellus suits you better!"

"You know, I think you're right!" Snap smiled as Sirius' jaw dropped.

"Wait… So I can call you Snivellus?" Sirius asked, and Snap nodded.

"AGH! NO YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSE TO AGREE WITH ME!" Sirius yelled surprising Snap. "YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT HOW YOU CLAIM TO USE SHAMPOO!"

"Why should I do that?" Snap asked.

"Because you HATE me and Moony," Sirius looked like Pedobear when he wasn't allowed to stalk young girls. (A/N: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO PEDOBEAR IS DEN GET DA HELL OUT OF HERE!)

"Yes, I do hate you, but Loopin and I are really close, I mean, really close." Snap hugged Loopin and kissed him on the cheek.

"No, you both hate each other." Sirius growled.

"I would have to disagree, Seve- whatever your name is. Hell, Snap and I spent years in Abkhazian together!" Snap then lunged on Loopin, pinned him to the ground and forced his lips on Loopin's.

"GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF OF HIM!" Sirius grabbed Snap by the collar and yanked him off of Loopin.

"SNAP, YOU GREASY GIT, YOU HATE LOOPIN! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL? AND, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM REMUS!" Sirius released Snap's collar and turned over to Remus, taking deep breathes.

"And Moony," Sirius calmed down a little. "You're my best friend! We knew each other since first year! And I…" Sirius cleared his throat. "Moony, I want to tell you something, I should have told you along time ago." Sirius hoped that this help him get his Moony back. He looked over to Loopin who nodded.

"Moony I-!"

"MAKING A FIRE IS TOO HARD! IT WILL TAKE YEARS TO COMPLETE!" A loud voice interrupted Sirius.

"-HURRY THE FUCK UP, DUDLEY, AND FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME DON'T EXAGGERATE!" Another voice which Sirius recognized as Vernon's voice screamed.

"WELL YOU JUST EXAGGERATED! AND MATCHES ARE HARD!" Dudley whined.

"A FIRST GRADER COULD USE BLOODY MATCHES!" Vernon and Dudley seemed to be having another screaming match. (haha geddit cuz Dudley is using matches!) (BN: Beta reader thinks that was a lame joke.)

"WAIT, THEIR COVERED IN-!" Dudley was cut off.

"ARGH! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FUCKING BLOOD!"

"YOU'RE FUCKING BLOOD? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?" Dudley asked in disgust.

"EW! DUDLEY, WELL I COULD FUCK SOME BITCH ON HER- WAIT! WHY AM I FUCKING TELLING YOU THIS?"

"YOU'RE FUCKING TELLING NOW?" Dudley yelled cringing.

"DUDLEY, THAT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE! AND MAKE THE BLO- DAMN FIRE! I DON'T 'TIL CHRISTMAS YOU KNOW?"

"YOU'RE EXAGGERATING AGAIN!" Dudley yelled frustrated.

"MAKE THE FIRE! I JUST WANT TO THROW THE BOY OUT THE WINDOW!" Dudley finally shut his mouth and started to work on the fire.

"Wait I minute, we still have to save Harry. What was that 'amazing' plan of yours again?" Sirius glanced at Snap and Loopin who were eavesdropping on Dudley and Vernon. Not on purpose, really, Vernon and Dudley were screaming so loud the whole neighborhood could hear them.

"Oh, yeah, the plan was Da Dumbledore will save him!" Snap squealed, and Loopin giggled.

"Yeah, Da Dumbledore will save him." Dumbledore said as he appeared behind the trio.

"Wait, if you're here then who is helping Harry!" Sirius glared at Dumbledore who smiled and popped a sherbet lemon in his mouth.

"Da Dumbledore, of course!" Dumbledore said cheerfully.

"So you're going to save him?" Sirius asked doubting that Dumbledore will actually do something.

"Why would I? I just told you Da Dumbledore will save him?" Dumbledore was confused with Sirius' statement.

"What? You ARE Dumbledore!"

"Not me, Da Dumbledore. Look!" Dumbledore pointed across the Dursley's front lawn to where Da Dumbledore (a black guy dressed in a white shirt with purple stripes and pink jeans) was tiptoeing behind Dudley.

A squirrel dashed over the Dursley's bright green grass and up a tree scaring the shit out of Da Dumbledore.

"AHH! I AM GOING TO DIE!" Da Dumbledore ran into the middle of the street where a random taxi pulled up. He jumped into the back seat and told the driver to step on it.

"Worst. Plan. Ever." Sirius said as the taxi drove off into nothingness.

"Well, I thought it was a brilliant plan!" Dumbledore fist bumped with Snap.

"Yeah, like the Da Dumbledore was much help. He did so much. We don't even have to ever worry about Harry again!" Sirius said with sarcasm.

"YAY! I knew he could do it, my hero!" Loopin cheered oblivious to the sarcasm in Sirius' statement. Sirius just face palmed.

"You all are idiots."

"Finally the fire has been finished." Vernon, who was grabbing a kicking and screaming Harry Potter, let out an evil laugh that scared the old couple next door.

"DUDLEY, GET OUT OF THE WAY, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BURN YOURSELF!" Dudley gasped his father told him when he would burn himself.

"BLWAHAHAJKHAZXHAHAOAHAHPKAHA!" Vernon chuckled in a deranged way as he pushed Harry out the window.

On the ground, Sirius was glaring at the three idiots who were claiming some really insane rumors such as "Draco Malfoy is related to Gandalf," "Da Dumbledore used to live with Steve from Blues Clues" (A/N: HE DIDN'T LIKE JOE, OKAY?) "Pottermore releases things when they are promised," "Voldemort secretly watches My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic," "Hufflepuff is an amazing house," "Hermione Granger is an artist," and finally "Bellatrix use to date Adolf Hitler."

"If you three aren't planning on doing something anytime soon, I will have to do something!" Sirius decided to jump into action. He ran as fast as his legs could carry him and leaped into the air to save his godson. As soon as he grabbed Harry, they both started falling toward the fire.

"Let go! You stupid preppy fucker, LET GO SO I CAN LIVE!" Harry screeched as they continued to fall.

"Where did you learn to use that word?" Sirius was appalled that a seven year old was swearing.

"Oh, you mean preppy fucker? What is so bad about it? I mean Vernon calls me that all the time." Harry said confused.

"I swear I am going to kill that whale." Sirius glared daggers at Vernon in the most cliché way ever. (Not. Cannon. Never. Canon.)

"Can you LET GO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I AM TIRED OF FUCKING FALLING!" Harry kept hitting Sirius repetitively.

"That whale will have a slow and tragic death!" Sirius muttered under his breath.

As they continued to fall for what felt like days, Harry finally got tired of trying to get rid of Sirius, so he just glared at the man.

"How long have we been falling?" Sirius' right eye twitched.

"About an hour," Harry checked watch that he randomly had and pulled a deck of muggle cards out of his pocket. Harry shuffled the cards and split it in half. "Here." Harry grumbled as he shoved half the deck Sirius' hand.

"Why are you handing me this?" Sirius asked observing the muggle cards.

"To play fan-tan, of course," Harry acted as if it were the simplest thing ever. "Now, put down a seven of any suit."

"Wait, won't it just fall into the fire?" Sirius asked searching through his cards for a seven. He placed the seven of hearts in the air. Going against all the rules of science, it just floated between them as they fell. Sirius was no scientist, but he asummed that Harry then placed the six of hearts beneath the seven.

After ten games of fan-tan (Harry winning six, and Sirius still being new to the game winning four), they were slowly approaching the fire.

"How much longer?" Harry put the cards back into his pocket.

"I really don't know. And weren't we falling from a two story window anyway?"

"Yeah and-FIRE!" Harry cried pointing toward the flames.

"What?" Sirius looked down and gulped. This was not good. "Well I guess this is the end, Harry. It was nice knowing you."

"Stop being so dramatic," Harry huffed. "That is so cliché 'It was nice kn-OOF!" Harry and Sirius were suddenly thrown across the yard into the nice green grass.

Remus Lupin was breathing loudly, so loud that the Russians could hear him.

"WHAT WERE YOU TWO MORONS THINKING? YOU COULD HAVE BEEN INCINERATED! AND-!" Remus yelled at Harry and Sirius.

"REMMY, YOU'RE BACK!" Sirius skipped over to Remus and hugged him.

"I am still mad at both of you. You know, you could have just, I don't know, jump over to the side to stop falling, but no you just want to end up getting toasted." Remus said.

"I am so glad your back, Moony! You're not gay for Snape, right!" Sirius was bouncing on the balls of his feet

"Why would I-" Remus began.

" .GOD. EVERYONE COME OVER HERE AND LOOK AT MY ASS!" Dumbledore screeched like a teenage girl.

"Um… I would rather not, Profess-er-Albus." Remus said as Sirius yelled, 'HELL NO THAT'S DISGUSTING!'

"Sirius, show more respect for Alb-"

"You don't how obnoxious everyone has been today! Everyone is driving me insane! This is more like a mental hospital than Azkaban." Sirius let out a really creepy laugh. So creepy that it put Michael Jackson to shame (while in his grave).

While Sirius continued ranting about insanity, Mrs. Figg stormed on to the Dursley's so-green-it-probably-isn't-real grass.

"What is going on here? I thought I could type my revenge on you…" Mrs. Figg trailed off.

"What are you talking about?" Remus questioned confused. Mrs. Figg sighed.

"Well, this morning I was down at Knockturn Alley running an errand for a friend, and I came across this muggle computer designed to do some special stuff. I really don't know, but it was a good deal." Mrs. Figg smiled remembering all the money that was saved on buying that computer.

"Enough on deals, I wanted to get revenge on you for making fun of me! Let's have a party of Order Members, but let's purposefully forget the squib!" Mrs. Figg scowled.

"You heard about that?" Sirius laughed nervously. "But that was years ago…" Sirius glanced at Remus, pleading for help. But the werewolf just glared.

"I am not part of this. You told me she was sick, remember."

"For that, Black, I think I will wait to-!"

"HEY, I STILL HAVE MY ASS OVER HERE! DOES ANY ONE WANT TO SEE IT?" Dumbledore randomly screamed.

"Never mind, even though you're up the street, you all give me a migrane. After I change everyone back, I am going to take a _long_ nap." Mrs. Figg said and went back to her house away from the insanity.

"LOOK AT MY ASS!" Dumbledore walked over to Sirius and Remus were.

"How many times do I have to tell you that is-!" Sirius began.

"Not that ass even though it is very sexy. My _ass._" Dumbledore brought his ass over to where he was.

"A donkey, really, Albus." Remus said as Sirius face palmed.

"Why can't Mrs. Figg hurry-?"

"Oh, hello, Sirius, Remus, how are you both doing on this fine day?" Dumbledore asked as Sirius yelled 'FINALLY!'

Sirius felt a slight tug on the bottom of his shirt. He looked down to see Harry looking like he was on the verge of tears.

"He is scaring me." Harry pointed over to Snap. The trio glanced at the greasy haired man.

"PETUNIA, COME HERE. I HAVE TO SPY ON YOU!" Snap barged into Dursley's house. A shriek was heard from inside the house.

"That's not right." Remus said looking over to the house Snap just ran into.

"Oh, well, I think I had enough for the day. I'm leaving." Sirius said.

"Where will you be going?" Remus asked Sirius who just shrugged.

"Maybe a muggle apartment or somewhere I can't be found."

"You can stay with me until you get that settled." Remus suggested.

"Wait-you're not mad at me?"

"Seeing how you acted today, I guess you couldn't have sold out James and Lily, or have killed all those people."

"But the Ministry could-?"

"Well, I am pretty popular around there. Maybe, I could try to get you a trial."

"And Harry?"

"Will be under your guardianship. It would be better if he live with you then where he is at now." Dumbledore said.

They all went to begin living their happy, overly cliché lives. Sirius was claimed innocent at his trial. He and Remus became Harry's legal guardians. Dumbledore bought a huge bag of sherbert lemons.

Snap ran out of the Dursley's house after he raided through their fridge. He had taken five Snapples and a piece of cheese.

Snap opened a Snapple and took a sip.

Yes, his life is now complete.

**A/N: Sorry for taking so long, but the length makes up for it! The ending was cheesy, but whatever. Please REVIEW!**


End file.
